I’m Just Existing.

An extract from a prose.

Trigger warning: Mention of self-harm and suicide. The story contains hints of depression.

Every day starts the same. I wake up at 6:00 am. My hair is combed tightly into a ponytail, my

uniform is ironed and crisp, my shoes are polished, and my bag is filled with notebooks and books

for the day. I walk to the bus stop at 7:30 and reluctantly face another painful day. Each day is a

sickening repeat of the previous one. I reach school and go through the cliched motions of

classrooms and teachers like a programmed robot, and then come back home. I don’t have any

friends or acquaintances.

My life starts with work, and it ends with work. It's always the same except it gets worse

every day. Today wasn’t better either. I felt humiliated by everyone, I was resting my head in

Spanish class when Riri and Henna approached me.

“Why are you crying? Is it because no one wants to sit next to you?” Riri said in a

mocking tone. I wasn’t crying but I didn’t want to acknowledge her existence. So, I tried to ignore

them but from inside my blood was boiling. One more minute and I was going to explode.

Riri and Henna left me alone after a moment because I didn’t reply. They left but the tears

invited themselves, they were my best friends and now they didn’t even care.

Just coming to school every day and going through the humiliation made me want to die.

Sometimes I just want to be numb, sometimes I just want to disappear, and sometimes I just

didn’t want to exist.

4

How was your day today?” My mother asks every time I reach home,

“It was terrible, I want to die”, “It was fine” this is my reply to everything. I know they

don’t care; I can’t tell them how I actually feel. What will they do? Send me to another therapist?

It's not like a 5th psych doctor is going to help.

As I sit in my room, I think about everything I had before I was isolated. I think about my

ex-friends Riri, Henna, Aryan, Andy, and Mila. I think about the good times when we would sit

together at lunch and talk about school and gossip about our classmates. My favourite time was

when they threw me away like trash into the cold darkness, they used me like a plastic bag until

I broke, they just tossed me away and now I’m all alone. I like sitting on my bed thinking about

everything that went wrong, about the pain I feel every day, about the void I was unable to fill. I

added more scars to my collection, hoping that if I added a few more the pain would disappear

and end.

It was getting dark now and there was a strong storm outside my window. This was

unusual, there was no indication of a storm today and our town hardly had bad weather. The last

time there was a bad storm, it was 1992, it was because of Hurricane Nova, despite the unusual

weather. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and not think about anything.

It was time for dinner, but I didn’t feel like eating. My head was feeling heavy, and I was

sleepy. My eyes were swollen from the tears and now I just wanted to sleep. I rest my

head on the pillow and my heavy eyes started to close. “I really wish I could stop existing”

I sighed, my body became light, my eyes were shut, and I fell asleep.

5

The next morning, I woke up around 10:00, my alarm hadn’t gone off and I had missed school. I

got out of bed and went out of my room to get breakfast. Mum and Dad were on the sofa watching

the news.

“Good morning” I greeted them, but they didn’t reply. Maybe they were mad at me. I

entered the kitchen and tried to open the kitchen cabinet, but it wouldn’t budge. I called out for

my mom, but she didn’t reply again. I went to the TV room.

‘Hey mo.” She was crying, and Dad was frozen still. I looked at the TV, the news was on.

A girl had gone missing, they were describing a young girl with brown hair, 5’2, wheatish

complexion, and brown eyes named Lea... That’s when I realized they were describing

me. My house, my parents, and even my picture were on the TV. What was happening?

Maybe my parents were pranking me. I asked my mom what was happening, but she

didn’t reply.

“Why am I on TV Dad?” He didn’t reply. I pressed my mom's shoulder “Mom I am right

here, what happened?” She didn’t respond. I stepped in front of the TV, “Will someone please

tell me what is happening?” I demanded, but they didn’t respond. I started crying, almost

howling, demanding for an answer, but they were still like a brick wall It was as if they couldn’t

see me or hear me or even feel me. What was happening? Why was a report of me going missing

in the news? Why weren’t my parents responding to me? Was this a prank? Did something

happen?

I sat on the ground as the tears drowned me in sorrow. I couldn’t understand what was

happening, this had to be a dream right? While I was trying to understand the situation, I noticed

Jubilee, our cat, staring at me with a deep gaze, wait……... was she the only one that could feel

my presence? As I approached her, I heard a voice

“So, how’s the disappearing going?” The voice echoed.

“Who is that?” I looked around.

“Stop looking around, I’m right in front.” The mysterious voice said again.

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“Who are you?” I said again while looking for the squeaky unknown voice,

“It's me! Jubilee” said the voice. I looked at the cat, as a chill crawled down my spine

“That’s it, I’ve gone crazy! now I can hear the cat talking!” I said,

“Wow humans are really dumb!” Jubilee said while looking at me with her judgemental

eyes.

“No this can’t be true” I freaked out, this has to be a dream, I’m just going to go back, lie

down and wake up to reality,” I said as my body started to sweat.

“Sure, do that” Jubilee claimed, “but don’t come out crying again if it doesn't work out,”

she said while licking her paw.

I was angry now; I was convinced this was a dream and I was going to wake up. “I know

this is not real. I am going back to my room and when I wake up, you’ll be a regular cat!” I yelled

at Jubilee.

Jubilee smirked at me and went back to licking herself. I went back to my room, slid into

my bed, and held my covers tightly hoping to fall back into sleep and wake up to ‘reality’.

Sadly, I was unable to sleep, what fun, I didn’t know what was happening.

Apparently, I could understand my cat, and my parents couldn’t see me. I saw my phone

on my bedside table, I thought maybe I would use it to search for myself on the internet,

maybe get an idea of what might be happening. I tried picking it up, but I wasn’t able to

grip it properly, it kept on slipping. That’s when I noticed my fingers, the tips of my

fingers had become pale, actually, they were almost translucent, you could see them, but

it looked like the tips were disappearing.

7

I rushed to my desk frantically trying to hold stuff, but my grip wasn’t the best. I

tried picking my pens from the pen stand but they kept on falling. I was able to pick up

my notebook with great difficulty, but I wasn’t able to turn the pages. I tried picking up

other things but most of the light stuff would just fall off. I could pick up heavier stuff,

but I wasn’t able to use anything. Was this the reason why I could not open the kitchen

cabinet either?

Something had happened to me and there was only one person that knew the answers. I went out,

looking for Jubilee, she was sitting on the windowsill looking outside.

“Jubilee!” I yelled, “This might be a dream or maybe it’s reality, but you did something,

and I need ANSWERS!”

I was furious I didn’t know what had happened and this cat was the only one that would

probably be able to help me. Jubilee looked at me concerned

“What’s wrong? Why are you so worried? This is what you wanted didn’t you?” She

replied.

“What is wrong with you? How could I have ever wanted this!” I said furiously.

Jubilee sighed “I know it may be hard for you to believe, but I do care for you, I did this

to help you, you wanted to disappear, and I helped you disappear,” she said while still looking

out the window.

“Why did you do this?” I asked her.

“Well, you were the only one that showed me kindness, you were the one who saved me.

So, I wanted to save you as well, do you remember when you picked me off the street?” Jubilee

asked,

“Yes, I do!” I replied.

“You were the one who saved me when those kids were hitting me with rocks, you were

the one that defended me, took me home, looked after me, and gave me love, I have always been

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thankful to you, that’s why every night when you were in pain, I wanted to help you.” She said

while looking at me.

I was speechless. I was still trying to process everything she said.

“You know the myth of cats having 9 lives?” She asked me,

“Yh...yes” I replied,

“Well, it's true, I approached the cat spirit one night, and traded one of my lives with her

for a wish”. She spoke.

“What did you wish for?” I am concerned now

“I asked them to take your pain away,” She replied.

I was shocked that my body couldn’t move. I was unable to process anything.

“Then why is this happening to me? '' I said while taking my hand out, I put my hand out

in front of Jubilee. Jubilee’s eyes widened

“I did not wish for that, I swear! This wasn’t supposed to happen, the cat spirit promised

me that nothing bad would happen to you!”

Jubilee put her paw on my hand and tried to inspect my hand. I pushed her paw away.

“I don’t care what you wished for. You did this and now I’m going to actually disappear

because of this”. I spoke.

“I didn’t mean to, '' Jubilee replied. “I swear this wasn’t my intention, I just wanted to

help you, I’m sorry,” she said as her ears wilted.

“It’s too late now,” I said.

I walked away from the windowsill, and I started walking back to my room.

“Where are you going?” Jubilee asked,

“Back to my room” I replied, “I am going to try to find answers on my laptop, I can still

use it before my fingers fully disintegrate”. I said whilst still mad at Jubilee.

“Let me help you,” Jubilee cried.

“You have done enough!” I said in a stern tone.

9

My head was spinning now, I had no idea how to respond, what to think, or how

to function. I just couldn’t process anything that had happened. My whole body was

shaking with fear that a mindless wish was going to ruin me, destroy everything I loved

or care for. I wasn’t going to exist anymore. Jubilee had done something without asking

me. It made me furious; she was trying to help me but still, I was mad because now the

situation was much worse. I won’t be able to hug my parents. I won’t be able to eat my

favourite food, ride my bike into town or even pet Jubilee again. I hated her but still loved

her. I was mad at her but the thought of leaving her, and my family hurt my weakened

heart.

My head was going through a waterfall of thoughts. I was going to miss out on so many

things because of her stupid wish. I will never be able to graduate, have my first kiss, or get

married, I will never be able to go on the family cruise next Christmas, I will never be able to

earn my first pay check, or accidentally become famous and get an interview on the ‘Too late To

Sleep’ show.

Jubilee, Jubilee Jubilee. Why did she do this? I knew why but still why? Was this really

that necessary? Was I partially at fault for wishing? I couldn’t wrap my head around this. I noticed

my laptop on my desk. Thankfully it was open. My fingertips were mostly gone but if I pressed

the keys hard enough, I would be able to search for something on the net. I sat on the chair and

pressed my power button. Nothing happened. I tried holding it down, but my laptop still didn’t

respond. I scanned around the room looking for anything that could possibly help me. That’s

when I remembered, my grandma had gifted me gloves last year. It doesn’t get cold here, but she

had bought them for the cruise. Told me that I had to keep it safely. I rushed towards my closet,

and I tried opening it, but the door again wouldn’t budge. Defeated, I slowly crouched down on

the floor as tears softly soaked my eyes.

10

“I’m doomed,” I thought to myself.

That’s when Jubilee entered the room, she walked toward me slowly, and sat next to me,

resting her head in my lap.

“I’m sorry! you know, I really am, this is not what I wished for” she said while crying.

I could hear her whimpering. She sounded like a toddler.

I sighed “Jubilee, I give up, I can’t access anything, I can’t do anything, I might as well

accept my fate,” I said.

Jubilee looked up at me. “Maybe we can visit the cat spirit?” She asked.

“Cat spirit?” I was confused.

“Yeah” Jubilee replied, “Maybe if we went to her and pleaded to her for help, she could

undo the spell?” She said.

“The cat spirit huh? You think she would actually do that?” I asked Jubilee.

“We can always try,” She replied.

I don’t know why but suddenly Jubilee's words weirdly convinced me to listen to her. I

was intrigued. I know it sounded crazy, but I had to try, I just can’t give up.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” I said while looking at Jubilee. “Let's do it, take me to

the cat spirit! This might be my only chance at going back to normal” I said without hesitation, I

knew it was risky but at this point, I didn’t have much to lose.

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